Tuesday, December 14, 2010

The Ambien Walrus Collection

Drew over at toothpaste for dinner has a hilarious reoccurring comic featuring the ambien walrus.  I have collected them all for you here.
Kill You Parents - Ambien Walrus
December 6, 2007

Cut Off Your Hair - Ambien Walrus
June 22, 2009
Call Your Ex Girlfriends or Lose Your Car Keys - Ambien Walrus
February 4, 2010
An Adventure You Will Never Remember - Ambien Walrus
May 22, 2010
Eat All The Cookies and Go For a Drive - Ambien Walrus
July 21, 2010
Piss On Your Dog and Buy a Chandelier on eBay - Ambien Walrus
December 7, 2010
Break Your Sunglasses and Build a Time Machine - Ambien Walrus
July 5, 2011





145 comments:

  1. This is pure gold. Ambienville we used to call it. I definitely left some odd writings on my old bedroom walls.

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  4. Thanks Ambien Walrus for suggesting I smear coffee grinds on my wall. The pattern makes for a delighful permanent decoration. Also, thanks for the jar of model clay and life-time supply of party hats, they have definitely come in handy!

    Love, T

    PS, that ten hour walk through town last summer was great, I wonder what happened to my cap though, I really liked it. Did you take it?

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  5. I just sleep. My wife locks me in!

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  6. Here be dragons (ambien walrus strikes again)

    http://logs.omegle.com/eec60f5

    ReplyDelete
  7. Ambien Walrus, I'm worried about your influence on my diet. I get that ordering some scrubs on ebay was cool, they make great durable PJs, but a 12-pack of size 44?

    At least you made sure they're union-made. I'm glad you're down with collective bargaining.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Oh, Amby Wally...remember that time I smeared scented lotions all over my mirrors to worship the fairy goddesses that lived up in the vibrating lights reflecting off of the walls? Oh, that was a riot. Or when Mrs. Butterworth and the Fantastic Mr. Fox were up in my fan that was actually a giant beautiful wasp, forever descending down to my bed? Truly a bonding experience for us. So happy we are together....forever... D:

    ReplyDelete
  9. I thought the Ambien Walrus was monogamous- with me. I am actually relieved to see that he is spreading his love with others. As I attempt to eat a whole pizza and send inappropriate texts...

    ReplyDelete
  10. Dearest Walrus,
    Thanks to you I am now the proud owner of a Kobe Bryant jersey. I wasn't a Lakers fan but you are quite convincing. Most people probably don't know you are such a huge Lakers fan, but I do now. Damn the late west coast games that you force me to watch when we hang out when I'm in bed. Those of us that spend time with you should forever delete the Amazon app on our phones.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. OMG, I am crying outloud. I have to try to change my passwords to "Trick" myself so I can avoid massive random ambien shopping sprees.

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    2. Ambien walrus loves my ex girlfriends and driving me to work.

      Delete
  11. Oh Ambien Walrus...I almost went to jail because of you... My visions of being rich and spending too much money was fantastic too. Remember the time you had me run naked in the streets in the lightning storm? That one had me sent away for a long time with the crazy people...but I'm better now...

    ReplyDelete
  12. Dearest Ambien Walrus, my old friend, I remember all of our years together of sleepwalking, sleep eating, sleep housekeeping, and sleep shopping. Most people probably think handcuffs in the bedroom are sexy, but you and I both know mine are just to keep me from driving my car at night.
    xoxoxo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. great idea! Now that I have that idea in my head I'll probably buy some online tonight ;)

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  13. dear ambien walrus,

    thanks for taking care of my friend mary when she fell head first over a headstone in the cemetary.

    and thanks for taking care of alina when she cries for no reason then says she doesnt know why and cant tell anyone.

    also, thanks for helping me break my habit of peeing on all my neighborhoods bushes, i apparently decided to expands and pee on everything in the cemetary, at the park, and in town too.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Remember the time we half-cooked an entire package of bacon, then covered it with chili peppers and two raw eggs at left it sitting on the stove to discover in the morning? Thanks for at least turning the stove off.

    And how about that checking and savings account I opened online in the middle of the night...that was fun. Nothing like discovering you've posted your personal and financial information by having checks show up in the mail.

    I also REALLY appreciated buying a 42 pack of Crest Whitening Strips...to the tune of $75...although, in the light of day, my teeth thank you.

    But nothing is better than "re-kindling" the online friendship with a crazy nut job that I FINALLY had gotten to cease contacting me after months of ignoring her constant texts, calls, emails and FB messages. Yep, thanks for that.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh my God! I opened a checking account online! I also didn't find out about it 'til I got the checks in the mail!

      Thanks Ambien Walrus!

      Delete
    2. I make weird things to eat, too. This week one night I toasted rice cakes, then buttered them, then sprinkled them with turmeric. I found the gold stains and rice cake crumbs on the cutting board the next morning. I doubt it was much good but I don't remember...

      The Ambien Walrus has such odd ideas about snacks.

      Delete
    3. Burrito with mozz, uncooked spaghetti, a1, mayo, butter, and peanutbutter.
      I know thisbecause ambien walrus left evrrything out,.with the half eaten burrito.

      Delete
    4. Freezer burned tilapia on a kaiser roll with nearly an entire bottle of spicy mustard, AND over-cooked rotini on top, just because I could. Thank you ambien walrus for not killing me.

      Delete
    5. Yeah? We've ALL done that stuff, online accounts, online purchases, I myself own an entire jewelry story (almost) lol.... and eating.. since I said g'day to the walrus I've lost 35 lbs, go figure, huh? Course I'll go 6 or 7 days without sleep but I know where my money goes! And my keys. And my underwear. And my PC is intact.

      Delete
    6. I wonder if I'm that crazy girl you rekindled a friendship with. Lol

      Delete
  15. Ambien helps me go to bed and sleep. Ambien and alcohol helps me go to bed and send inappropriate misspelled text messages, tell my girlfriend to go to hell, sign up for match.com and message fat women, take a random road trip, make popcorn and pile it up on the living room floor, call my parents at 1 am, finish the whiskey, smoke a pack of cigarettes in the house, pee in the fireplace, write songs that makes absolutely no sense and nail the papers to the bedroom wall, donn a black suit, take all the lightbulbs out of the fixtures and put them in kitchen sink, and go to sleep on the porch.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Oh Ambien Walrus you rascal you! Thank you for the evening we spent together apparently having cocktails then driving to buy something or other. Though my attorney is not so amused I find the police report of our evening a very entertaining read. However there is no mention of you in the report, now how can that be?!! Some friends will always have Paris, you and I will always have our night in jail. Thank you well for leaving me with no memory of the evening, it's for the best.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Thank you for the evening of belly dancing to the tunes of pit bull with my ten year old son. I did see the pictures I took the next day..seems as if it was a great time! My son wants to do it again sometime! If only I could remember...

    ReplyDelete
  18. Ambien walrus I am really mad that I worked on making organic vegetable broth all day and "someone" poured it out during the night and left a messy pot in the drainer. Why would you make me do that.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Dearest Ambien Walrus,
    Apparently some guy at some random phone number is infinitely happy that I sent him so many pictures of my boobs. I know you tried to cover it up by deleting my outbox of text messages, but my phone bill tells me otherwise. You really are wily, Ambien Walrus. However, my boyfriend doesnt think you are as funny as I do. Youre the only one that understands me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Ambien Walrus...the early am feeding frenzies have to stop! the rest of the strawberries...gone. remainder of the lobster bits...gone. BBQ chips...yup they're gonna too.Hmmm....what's this brown gooey stuff on my fingers....oh yea Jimmys giant Reese Cups...gone..BOTH of them....hope he has forgotten about those because he's not gonna get those baby's back hahaha.... Oh well same time same place tomorrow night??...I think there's a 10# turkey in the freezer just gobbling our names.

      Delete
  20. Now I wake up to Seal's "Bring It On" reprise as my phone alarm. I still have no idea how to download ringtones to my new Iphone and don't understand how I did it. It had to have been the walrus. My husband is kind of mad that I did it because it goes on his credit card. He and I also argued about how there are 3 missing creme brule cupcakes. I made them for him for Father's Day and before Ambien, I distinctly remember there being 8 left. Tonight after I got home from work there were 5. There is no evidence that I ate them but he swears he did not. So tonight there will be no Ambien since I am taking Nyquil for a cold and I want there to be some cupcakes still in the morning.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Walrus, it's always such a treat to see an empty carton of ice cream and a spoon on the counter in the morning and no memory of eating it! Especially after I spent the day eating absolutely NO refined carbs! Thank God you've never encouraged me to drive.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Dear Ambien Walrus
    Thank you so much for helping my write "...and my bag closed like a library. Ssshhhhhh bag." in the middle of those disturbing scribbles and rantings. I find it to be quite poetic. Thanks for your help. See ya tomorrow. Same time, same place (at the fridge.)

    ReplyDelete
  23. That shampoo we created out of everything in the bathroom has done wonders for my hair.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Dearest Ambien Walrus,
    I miss you. I'm sorry I haven't called but that morning when I woke up covered in mud with twigs and leaves all in my bed and hair was frankly disturbing. I still have no idea where you took me that night. Apparently we had a blast facebook video chatting with that nice young man in Syria. So thanks for all the good times. Can't wait wait to see you again. I'll have a box of wine waiting....

    ReplyDelete
  25. I take Ambien. I know the Ambian Walrus Personally. I wrote this yesterday. http://manichummingbird.blogspot.com/2013/10/ambien-rap.html

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This blog is open to invited readers only.

      Delete
  26. My mother used to take Ambien. She used to "sleep clean" the house.

    ReplyDelete
  27. I wrote a rap dedicated to your beloved walrus: http://manichummingbird.blogspot.com/2013/10/ambien-rap.html

    ReplyDelete
  28. My husband was wondering who I'm always talking to late at night. It must be Ambien Walrus. One time we left to go to Mac Donalds and didn't come back for six hours. My husband was wondering what happened and almost accused me of having a mystery boyfriend. All I remembered was waking up in the car at a gas station and asking the cashier for directions back to the street I live on, which was only a mile away. Somehow I got lost after the Mac Donald's drive thru,and all I brought back was a cold happy meal with a bite missing from the cheeseburger. The next time I tried ambien, I woke up in a puddle of melted ice cream in my bed. Thanks for everything Walrus.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Ambien Walrus convinced me to plug my phone charger into a bowl of macaroni and cheese. Naked. In the dark. At work.

    ReplyDelete
  30. Hey Ambien Walrus! I was really thrilled to get those gold-leaf prints from China! Also, my daughter says thanks for telling her where all the Cranberries are. We love you.

    ReplyDelete
  31. Ambien Walrus, I am still looking for those two vintage diamond rings you helped me hide in the house on my very last visit to you. And that day I woke up teaching my high school class and later finding out all the embarrassing things I said from some startled kids. Good times sorting that out with my union rep. Sorry I won't be seeing you anymore. You and I can never be. Not-so-fond regards, Jo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Jo,

      Might I just say that I can relate - all too well, believe me, though in my case they have not been my students but my poor children, friends, working partners, fellow college students, and my daughter's boyfriend who I called independently.

      But still I have to laugh a little. I mean really... legal LSD for us, the generation who did it on purpose anyway? Come on, how many of us didn't recognize the problem on night one, or two at least? And then how many of us kept it up for.... uhm... years. (blush!)

      Delete
  32. Hi
    I read your post and it contains very useful information.Thanks for this useful article.

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  33. I have rules for myself when I take Ambien:
    1. No driving
    2. No eBay
    3. No Facebook
    4. No cell phone
    5. No food
    My wife has rules for me after Ambien:
    1. All of my rules
    2. No sex because I get "weird"

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ...and these rules of yours.... you actually KEEP them? Well.. I do too, until the uhm.. ambien kicks in and I become all magical and stuff - wen the rules no longer, of course, apply to me at all. Being a completely free being, well, you know.. rules are for .... humans.

      Delete
    2. I'm dying of laughter

      Delete
    3. omg, this is so funny i almost just died of laughter

      Delete
  34. Hello i am anonymous and i shall crush you in a jiffy, look at that strungi melody

    ReplyDelete
  35. Dear Ambien Walrus.

    I really wish you'd been the voice of reason and stopped me from going out to sleep in the stables. Naked. I hope this slimy gunk is horse saliva.

    ReplyDelete
  36. Hey Ambien Walrus. I appreciate the 60 dollar facial that you think I needed. I am getting a bit older I guess; but next time don't schedule it for four hours in the future as I will still be sleeping.

    ReplyDelete
  37. Hey Ambien Walrus, why did you feel the need to cut a hole in my window screen and tape it to my hamster's play tube? Or drink all my tequila? I wanted some too.. Oh yea, next time you borrow my car, don't run out of gas 1 mile from home. And please stop emailing my Exes, and my old teacher? But i love you Walrus. I can't wait to not remember our next visit.

    ReplyDelete
  38. Ambien walrus, I sure do enjoy how you shift the Earth's gravity ever so slightly when I'm trying to get to the downstairs bathroom. It sure makes that journey a joy to navigate! Plus it always seems to pull me into the kitchen before the trek back up that wavy crooked staircase!

    ReplyDelete
  39. Dear Ambien Walrus, That was a really good idea you had to have me eat a bowl or ten of cereal in the middle of the night and poor the cereal-sweetened milk into my daughter's homework folder. She was really excited when she got to school and all her homework was stuck together, crusty and smelled like sour milk. Her teacher was extremely pleased also. You always have great ideas, Ambein Walrus. Keep em coming!

    ReplyDelete
  40. At first I thought you were pretty funny. My boyfriend did not. Apparently you have a love-hate thing going on with him. At times you wanted me to kick or punch my boyfriend until he would wake up; yet, another time you must have dared me to dry hump him and say "big hard dick" over and over again as he slept next to me. And, as always, I obliged you. You can be very convincing... too convincing. This is why I have decided we can no longer be friends.

    Although you made me do some really industrious things last night, such as clean the computer desk, make lunches and breakfast and leave a note on the fridge letting my boyfriend know I had done so (he really appreciated that by the way), I think sometimes you have a sinister side. We planned an MDMA spa party and invited some fb friends. We messaged a friend in Toronto to tell him about the delicious cheese buns I brought home earlier. Strangely, we did not eat any of these foods. You must have been full from all of the foods your other Ambien friends offer you. And we only shared one cocktail from the bottle of vodka I picked up earlier! For shame Ambien walrus! I probably would have liked to have more than just one drink. Oh yes, and you made me take more Ambien. It was probably a good thing there weren't many left in that blister pack. We may have had to take a trip to the hospital otherwise. And believe me, I doubt you would have called 911 to help me out!

    We nearly made a fb post about making lunches and spinning in circles on the computer chair, and how the centrifugal force was keeping me from flying out of the chair, much like the sun keeps the planets in their orbits via the force of gravity. We sure can wax philosophical that way sometimes. For whatever unknown reason, we did not post that status, merely leaving it on my laptop to discover it when I awoke. Perhaps we were distracted... I am sure that all of space talk had us in the mood to head out on the balcony and look at the stars, as I sometimes like to do. But, you little rascal, you must have said "ladies first!", knowing full well the screen was closed. I am sure I walked straight through it, since I found it ripped open this morning. Hanging out with you sure can be fun, but waking up the next day is kind of like Christmas morning, only mixed with that same apprehension you feel after waking up from a blackout drunk. I think, "what will I find next! What horrible things did I do to make a complete ass out of myself! Gasp! My boyfriend is gone, and he didn't say goodbye this morning. Is that note on the fridge an 'I can't handle this shit anymore and I'm leaving you' goodbye note from my boyfriend?! WTF happened last night!"

    I think you had my back though, and maybe saw that I was tiring, judging by the copious spelling errors in my last fb message. Therefore, you led me to bed and I can only ascertain that you instructed me to take off my PJ's and neatly fold them, instead of just tossing them on the floor as per usual. I'm pretty sure you must have said something to the effect of "you had better put those away neatly, otherwise that uptight awake Danielle is gonna freak on you since she spent the entire day cleaning. She can be a real bitch, and trust me my Ambien friend, you don't want none of that".

    But, the sinister Ambien walrus must have reared its ugly head again, since I apparently had to get one more Ambien activity out of my system. I later found out that we woke up my boyfriend with a few swift kicks. Luckily, he has become somewhat accustomed to our aggressive behaviour, and it was nearly time to get up anyways.

    P.S. thanks for setting my alarm so I wouldn't miss my appointment this yesterday morning. But, you aren't allowed to visit anymore, and I have given all of my Ambien to my boyfriend, since he only gets visits from the Ambien fairy, and she is a much better influence than you.

    P.S.S I am glad I never told you where I hide the guns. That could have been bad. Real bad.

    ReplyDelete
  41. Ambien Walrus,

    Thank you for helping me compose that message to the CEO setting him straight about my career path. He was appreciative and the next time we met he even gave me one week's severance.

    Thank you so very much.

    ReplyDelete
  42. Dear Ambien Walrus,

    It's been a while. I stopped seeing you when I got pregnant and now that I am responsible for a baby, I feel our parting was for the best. But I do so miss our wild shopping sprees on eBay, which more than a few times resulted in us ordering between 2 and 12 sets of sheets. No matter how many times we did it, I was always perplexed when the postal worker dropped off the many bulky packages days later. Even after reselling so many sheet sets I lost count, I am still the proud owner of at least 10 sets. You have fine tastes in linens...much more luxurious than my own. I am less impressed with your driving/navigation skills and ability to keep track of keys. And why did you insist I drive to CVS in the snow that night, only to buy 11 packages of loose leaf paper? Who was all that paper for?! Just what were you planning to write?! Anyway, thanks for always keeping up with the laundry. It was such a joy to wake and find all my clothes and linens washed, dried, and neatly folded. I admit I miss that about our relationship. Ok...I really just miss you, period. Maybe we'll get back together again when my child is grown. Love and kisses...

    ReplyDelete
  43. Thanks for the party Wally,

    Amazon prime loves your chubby cute ass. As the semi truck backed into the driveway I realized that I didnt need a whole pallet of freeze dried survival food. Maybe you know something I dont? The chicken tetrazinni is good though. Maybe its the fact that I have all my self defense weapons locked up at night? Maybe its just the fact that everything in the house is spotless for once... you miracle worker you. Oh and how can I forget the time I went into ambien sex overdrive and asked my wife to role play..... as her younger sister. Lawyer fees are tax deductible aren't they?

    Oh well, I am very rested and who knows what you'll talk me in into tonight.

    ReplyDelete
  44. Dragging wife and her best friend out into the street to see the UFOs which are going to take the block we live on, making egg salad sandwiches without peeling the eggs and mixing the goop with oatmeal, or watching the oak floor pattern move (on video to prove it), there is something to be said for Ambien's entertainment level. Walrus, you da man!

    ReplyDelete
  45. Hahaha just found this, here in Ireland he is known as the Stilnoct Seal constantly fucking shit up

    ReplyDelete
  46. That walrus looks super cool. I hope I see him tonight on ambien!

    ReplyDelete
  47. Ridin' the A-train

    ReplyDelete
  48. Ambien Walrus and I love to post on Facebook (evidently) :/

    ReplyDelete
  49. I just found this site. NOW, at long last, I know how I came by that extra 100 pounds of pure body fat. Now I know why my credit card bill is over $1000 every month. Now I understand why Publisher's Clearing House no longer accepts my orders (I've only canceled 452 orders in the last 452 days). But still, every night, I look forward to beginning our time together, and until my doctor catches on, we'll never part!

    ReplyDelete
  50. The ambien walrus is like the lochness monster. He isn't always easy to find. But, have no fear, other things like the walrus will present themselves on your ambien journey. And maybe you will see that walrus. I still haven't yet. But I am the eggman, they are the eggmen, I am the walrus! Goo goo goo joob

    ReplyDelete
  51. Dear Ambien Walrus, remember the night we decided to cut all the already pre-cut bagels with a large butcher knife? And then I passed out on the floor for my husband to find me naked on the kitchen floor with a butcher knife and bagels scattered all around. That was fun.

    ReplyDelete
  52. It was so awesome to find that you convinced me to shave my arms and form the letters "BATH" with scotch tape in the bottom of my bathtub. Only you know what else we did...thanks for the "un-memories"!

    ReplyDelete
  53. Dear Ambien Walrus, If not for my daughter telling me to swallow, I would have kept the chewed food in my mouth during the entire international flight.

    ReplyDelete
  54. Dear Ambien Walrus. Thank you for helping me sneak out of the house without my wife knowing and thank you for helping me park my car in front of the automatic doors at the grocery store. It was super entertaining to wake up on the path out the front of the shop surrounded by a handful of people who rescued me from my running vehicle unconscious. At least you put the hand brake on for me, you could have taken the car out of gear as well though. The ambulance ride home was equally entertaining even if you were telling me to ask the paramedics to defribulate me as my heart wasn't beating.

    ReplyDelete
  55. I was famous for sending my friend victims texts every night that were nothing but random letters thrown together in my native English, but I could text Spanish perfectly! I barely knew Spanish!

    ReplyDelete
  56. My mom knew the Ambien Walrus very well.

    She had many adventures of cooking and eating and driving. The two different DUIs and nights in jail and thousands in fines and loss of her driver's license made her finally part with the Ambien Walrus.

    I had my own adventure with the walrus. Just once.

    I remember it. The walrus told me there were spiders crawling all over my room and all over me and all over the window and the bed and the house and the world. Giant spiders.

    Ambien Walrus and I never made it past first base. Shame.

    ReplyDelete
  57. Well, Ambien Walrus, I have not had quite the mobile adventures that you have shared with other family members, but I have discovered that you have led to some great conversations with my wife.
    Times like when she asked early on in our relationship if she could come to my family Thanksgiving, and I replied "Nope, I don't think that would be a good idea" and then promptly rolled over and went to sleep. Or the time she woke me up to say she was going to drive an hour home because I was snoring too much, and I replied "Drive Safe!"
    Midnight texts like "You're the gravy on top".
    Sadly, I have had to end our relationship as my wife finally figured out she could use you as a truth serum if she was willing to put up with strange answers.

    ReplyDelete
  58. Ambien destroyed my life and I remember nothing of what happened. It has now been over five years since your lovely Ambien walrus convinced me to try to end my life and well as the lives of my children. We didn't go on any shopping spread or driving excursions, not that I remember, apparently he wanted more from me than my money, he wanted my life and the reasons I lived for.

    My children are fine, thank God, even though now I will never see them again. Its been five years and a month since the last time I remember seeing them. I have been stuck in the legal system since then and it seems never ending. I will never again have the life I once had. I won't get to see my children graduate, I will never get another hug or snuggle from them. I did get my life from them. My nine year old son ran for help and saved all of us and I am thankful for that.

    Before any of you take ambien, think of what can go wrong. I am the poster child of what can go wrong on ambien and I was crucified in the media for it and I will spend the rest of my life paying for it.

    My name is Rebecca Koehler and I am from Oklahoma. Google it. It happened March 2, 2011. Never let it happen to you. My email is trueloveisjaded@gmail.com

    ReplyDelete
  59. Thank you ambien walrus for visiting me in London when I was working there as a model. I woke up thinking I had missed a job, called my agency from bed apologising profusely only to be told that I had indeed gone to work, but had decided to walk out with half the wardrobe before taking a very expensive Addison Lee ride on my account the "long" way home during rush hour. I only believed them because you left the evidence all over my floor.

    And I'm sure you thought that photographer was cute, but you should have told me before we had sex with him because I woke up getting fucked and couldn't remember how or why we got a hotel room 15 minutes from my apartment. OR invited him up.

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