A Short History of Fortune Cookies

Fortune cookies have been around since the beginning of time, the early philosophers stumbled upon their lair and decided to publish the wisdom as their own. Once they had found every possible fortune, Chinese people started putting them on tables for good luck. For some reason, white people always ate them so they started wrapping them in plastic since white people dont like plastic. But that still didnt work and they gave up. Now they have to replace them after every meal. No one knows how they reproduce but no matter how many they remove from the lair, they return to the same population by the next day.

Pretty sure I Hallucinated Last Night from my Ambien

I don’t really remember what happened. I thought it was a dream, but I looked back over my texts i was sending to my friend and they are like all misspelled talking how things were like moving around haha. And then I apparently had a 20 minute phone call with him. I hope I didnt freak him out too bad… haha

She was churning butter!

The Joys Of Taking Ambien

My girlfriend came home from work to tell me that last night, after I took my Ambien, I got all glassy-eyed and started stumbling around the house saying “I’m trippin’ balls!”.

I do not remember any of this happening.

Sometimes I just take a bunch of Ambien and see how long I can masturbate

Sneaky White Mochas are Getting Rid of an Anvil

Ambien Sister is on a Rampage

Chat log:

sister: online shopping on the bathroom floor at dark Brian just got me
sister: And now all I want to Sonia comnvwrse there's a window
me: Relax dude
sister: If you miss the sleepy window too become a crazed sleepwalking zombie with giggles
sister: Oh I am relaxed
me: Okay I will
sister: My breathing is tremendous
me: Oh?
sister: I am hypnotized

Sneaky White Mochas are Getting Rid of an Anvil

We have no more bananas today

A conversation with my sister while she's on Ambien

Chat log:

Sister: Well after giving this the much careful thought that it deserves, I seem to recall us having a conversation about it tomorrow. Does my memory stand correct?
Me:
Me:
Me: You remember something from tomorrow??

Ambien Abuses My Mind

when i wake up in the morning, i have a post it note on my ceiling telling me “take your pills”. when i walk to my pills i have a post it note telling me “take these”. when i walk to the bathroom i have a note on the mirror saying “smile” and another above the towel rack reading “hang your towel, close the curtain” on the fridge one says “make your lunch” on the front door one reads “watch your step”. i need these notes to get through the day. bipolar disorder, my manic episode specifically, has tweaked my mind, i dont even function the same as i did before the diagnosis. i forget things. i forget names. i forget feelings. i fail to understand simple commands quite often. i miss my old life. i miss being happy. this new me.. doesnt understand me. it doesnt understand that i want to go outside and be up all night looking at the stars. i want to let my hair grow and my beard grow, and i dont want to put on my uniform. the camo is a way to blend.. i dont want to blend. i want to be free from it all. seroquel chains cage my sanity. ambien abuses my mind. im running out of time. but. ill be crazy for my whole life.

They'll Help you Sleep

Ambien Thoughts

I’ve been having trouble sleeping lately, so tonight I took an Ambien in hopes of being asleep before 6 am. I took it at 10:30 pm, It’s currently 11:28. Here we go.

There is nothing worse than the “I might not make it to the bathroom in time” feeling. Well, there is. Actually not making it to the bathroom in time is pretty bad. But as far as things that could’ve happened but were narrowly avoided, I gotta think it’s right up there with the negative pregnancy test.

No, the poop thing is worse. A kid could grow up to be famous and/or rich and make you a lot of money. Pooping on yourself is just pooping on yourself and that’s all it’ll ever be.

I want to see the first draft of a Family Guy script. There has to be a legitimate story in mind, and then they twist all the jokes and cutaways.

I want to go see The Muppets. Don’t have a joke or a story behind it. I just wanna see it.

I was standing up a few minutes ago, and then I was sitting in my chair ad don’t know how I got there.

11:45 now. Ideas are flooding my head but i know i’m not going to reemmber them. I don’t want to write tem here though. Gov’ment might shut me down.

I was playing Dc Universe Online a little bit ago and had to turn it off when I couldn’t keep my own balance while trying to fly around Gotham City.

Speaking of Gotham City, Batman and Superman are bitches. Batman just has a lot of money and Superman is supposedly perfect. I want heroes who’re flawed and are relatable, I’m not relatealento them. I can erlate to spiderman cause i’m a nerd who has truble talkin to girls. I can relate to Hulk cause oeple don’t like me when i’m mad. batman and Superman can go suck on railroad spikes.

I said this earlier, i want a power ring like green lantern. I don’t want tp be in a terrible novie though.

That’s not a reflection of Ryan Renolds though.

Yeah it is.

I hate when i’m watching TV and they do the theater 101 both hands extended waist high and drops down to their legs move. They should know better and so should you.

Why does Loris have NOTHING going on? I wanna start a business, no market. I wanna do music, nobody around to do it with and no where to play. Want to do some theater work. Ha. Loris has nothing going for it but racism and jesus.

Whatever happened to Michael Richards after he called a bunch of guys in that clubs “niggers”? (i’m one of the cool white people, it’s ok)

I started watching an animated superhero movie about 5 am last night and stopped only because i saw two continuity issues in the first 10 minutes.

That british guys host on X Factor has got to be around 8 feet tall. he towers over everyone.

pjhjmfgtctdfhcfgannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

Its Imperative that We Mozey to the Woods

Having trouble sleeping so I took an Ambien and Im reading reviews and some people are crazy. I have a good idea but its too late Michelles not up. We could walk there.. to the good idea. I want to do some witchcraft, whens the moon? The reviews also said to take it when youre going to bed but im not sleepy yet and im just chillin, I write this with such wide enthused eyes I dont understand either. Why do I keep imagining random families in my head and a mom in a yellow blazer that wont stop clicking her gum. The kind of mom that would have put it in the pizza. Ya know? Everytime I read something my eyes are so surprised. Now what do you want me to tell you? About the people? Its there its snot there in there not there. I will write about the arguing couple in my head 10 minutes later and they stopped arguing and now im only arguing in my own head but this is serious! I wonder if its really cold up I dont wanna check the plan Im making things messy but we need to get to the woods! Its imperative that we mozey to the woods. Things are happening.

I Love it when my Pills Kick in!

Ambitexting

Ambitexting is worse that intoxitexting because apparently I am trying to get all creative and shit. This is not to be advised. When typing with one eye open, stick to the basics.

If my best friend is made of cats, and the Internet is made of cats, that means the Internet is my best friend. That makes more sense than I’d like to admit.

I've Figured Out How to Hallucinate

Take Ambien with the intention of going to bed. Then, don’t go to bed. You’ll start hallucinating. I swear to fucking god, I saw my make up bag and house shoe having sex last night. My Jack Skellington poster was waving at me in my dresser mirror. My Pantera poster was in 3D. It’s true. And my friend heard it all. Because I called them at 4 in the morning. Tripping balls. This was a complete accident too. Craziest fucking night ever. Go ahead. Try it. Then send me a message telling me I was right. Lol.

The trick to hallucinations